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naamah_darling
[info]naamah_darling
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I want to preface this entire piece by saying that nothing I say below is to be taken as a moral judgment or an implication that mentally ill people are less deserving of respect and human courtesy, any less intelligent, or any of that. I don't see how that might happen, but it doesn't mean I haven't put my foot in my mouth. I'm also not speaking for everyone. I'm aware that there are people out there who don't have a hard time dealing with their issues. I'm talking about the people who do.

I also want to say that this, too, is hewn from a longer piece, so I can't vouch for its coherence or its lack of redundancy.

Back on that same Feministe post, another good quote.

Emily, on what she sees as a difference between physical and mental disabilities, says that ". . . if mental illnesses are analogous to physical disabilities, it seems like you want to reframe mental illness as something not really wrong with the mentally ill person, but a failure on the part of society to accommodate that person.

"This rubs me the wrong way because many mental illnesses are, in and of themselves and regardless of how society treats someone, hellish states of existence."


Yeah, our social and moral attitudes toward mental illness are beyond fucked, but believe me, being bipolar sucks just fine all on its own without any help from ignorant assholes. For many, if not all, the suck is a built-in feature of the illness.

". . . . I guess the main point I’m making is that I think a distinction needs to be made between . . . [conditions] in which a person can live a happy, full life provided that they are properly accommodated, and disabilities and illnesses which do visit profound harm upon the sufferer, as do many mental illnesses. . . . The fact that many of these people suffer deeply due to their illnesses should be recognized and . . . treatment, insofar as it is available and useful, should be embraced."

Here's my truth: being bipolar is a bad thing for me. I'm not saying that I'm morally bad for being this way. I am saying that it is bad because a lot of the time it sucks wide. I mean, Jesus, I have already lost years of my creative and emotional life to it, and it may well cause me to kill myself someday. How the fuck is that not a bad thing?

So the constant denials that there is anything wrong with me and assurances that this condition has not really robbed me of anything worthwhile, the promises that if I do the "acceptance" thing just right it will quit sucking, the assertion that I am not seeing the bright side, man do those ever hurt.

It hurts when people imply that my perception of things is wrong. It is not. I know my own potential better than anyone. Let me tell you, internets, depression is not the same as pessimism. Some of the most optimistic, cheerful people I know are fucking hideously depressed. I know, it's crazy, but that's why they call us . . . ermm . . . crazy.

So yeah, my emotions are fucked, but I know where I am. I know this illness, its cycles, its rhythms, where it is likely to take me, where it means I cannot go. Telling me there is nothing wrong with me does not make me feel better. It makes me feel stupid and weak and lazy . . . and so goddamn alone.

Alone is perhaps the worst of it. When I am trying to tell it like it is and someone just won't listen, when they insist that I will get better someday, find a magic pill, or figure out how to look at it so that it will stop fucking hurting, it means that I need to educate that person about the reality of my situation before they are going to be able to help me. I mean, if someone doesn't see that your problem is a problem, going to them when you need comfort is not such a hot idea.

When this happens, it makes me feel that much smaller, that much sadder, that much more cut off. It makes me withdraw just that much more trust. It makes any comfort I find that much colder.

I tried for years to look on the bright side of this. There are some fucking awesome things about being this way. And for me, that's not enough to make me not hate and fear it. I tried for years to be a magical madman, to embrace my inner fuckup and love myself into a state of transcendent batshit craziness. It still sucked. You know the only thing that helped me not want to blow my head off? Acknowledging that it was never going to stop being what it was, acknowledging that the bad outweighed the good, and then medicating the bitch!

When someone tells me to behave as though this will someday stop beating the emotional shit out of me, or to live for those between times, or that if I really accepted myself I would be happy (thus implying that since I am not happy, I have not accepted myself) . . . that person is not helping me get better.

My doubt that my bipolar disorder will ever change seems like a terrible thing to a lot of folks, but it's not. I am hopeful, still, but it's not hope that it will go away or that I will get better, but that I will find a way of dealing with this that works well enough to make me happy again.

I am trying, but it's an ugly process. The only way out is through. I need to cope with reality as it is, not reality as I would like it to be. I need to make plans based on what is most likely, not plan based on the most favorable circumstances. I need to be able to function when things suck at their worst.

And the need to live with shit that sucks is not something that society addresses.

We teach people to accept that there is nothing evil about having a mental illness, and that some bad things can't be changed. Okay, we teach those things badly, but in the stupid process of trying to be human and love each other we do make stabs at it. But freakin' nobody addresses what happens after you admit you can't change it and understand that it doesn't make you evil.

Nobody really talks about the emotional sewage farming of having to deal with this shit every day for the rest of your life. Most of what I've seen is geared toward people who are newly-diagnosed, and the Welcome to Being Fucked Up 101 manual is seriously lacking in advanced protocols. Nobody talks about learning to accept permanently diminished capacity – not just accepting that it won't go away, but accepting that you are going to have to live with it forever.

There is a difference between accepting the fact that something is permanent and actually learning to live with it. I mean, there's a difference between accepting the fact that you are going to have a baby, and then learning to live with and care for that baby, right? It's not any different with an illness, injury, disability, so on.

It doesn't help that the whole "acceptance" discussion is always painted as a positive step involving positive emotions, with a lot of emphasis on how much better life will be once we accept ourselves. But as long as we are framing conversations about injury or illness or disability of any kind solely in terms of making positives out of negatives, as long as we tell people it will get better when they accept themselves, we are forcing people into roles that are seldom applicable to real life, and we are preparing them very poorly for life as whatever sort of fucked up they are.

The assertion that all pain is simply a blessing in disguise is terribly unhelpful. After all, if you are struggling to accept how things are, and someone tells you that you are wrong about how things are, that you're just looking at it wrong . . . well, that implies that you are either lazy for not just wising up and doing the legwork of loving yourself, or that you are too stupid to realize how deluded you are, you poor little thing. Someone says "Your problems aren't as bad as they seem!" How else to understand that besides "You are a lying, lazy faker who could do so much better if you just tried!" At best, it's "What's wrong with you? Don't you appreciate how wonderful your life is?"

Yeah, great. Thanks, you've given me so much fucking hope. If this is wonderful, I can't wait to see what shitty looks like.

And what happens when people accept what they are and find that their life is still hard, that it still sucks? Oh, that's what doctors and therapists and shrinks are for, right? Yeah. That's not going to be enough. Even a really good team working together can't fix it all. That's something a person has to do in the larger world. And most people don't have access to a good doctor or therapist or shrink. This is slack that society needs to take up.

And the shitty part is that I don't know what we should do for each other. I am still trying to figure it out for myself. Becaue the need in me has not been met, I can't say what would fill it. Only that there's a huge gap in our culture where help for people with major fucking issues should be, and I've fallen into it myself.

All I can say is that accepting what we -- all of us whose emotional need for support through major emotional suck is not getting met -- accepting what we say about our lives as fact, accepting that there may not be a bright side to whatever it is we are dealing with, and helping us to learn to live with whatever truths are ours would be a mighty fine place to start.

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Current Location: Morningstar Hall
Current Mood: headachey
Current Music: Crimson Glory -- Queen of the Masquerade

captainblack
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( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )

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Current Location: politically sub-human?
Current Mood: okay
Current Music: that fever sound

docjeed
[info]docjeed
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*hugs* to thems that needs 'em.
limpingpigeon
[info]limpingpigeon
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Ugh. So... the afternoon nap would have been much more restful without the nightmares. KTHNX.

On the bright side, having freed up $80 by cancelling my table, I decided to purchase a digital camera I had been wavering on. See, I have a digital camera, but it was super cheap, and it works fine for indoor photos but it does not handle outside, daylight photos well at all, regardless of how the settings are adjusted. If there is sunlight, everything is irreparably overexposed.

And even though most of the photos I take while in Baltimore will likely be indoor shots, I might also want to take a few shots outside at the Inner Harbor. I was kind of thinking over the "Well, I can afford to get this camera now... but that'll leave me a little less spending money for the con.."

Well, since I don't need the table money now, I went ahead and ordered it. I will pick it up at Best Buy after work tomorrow. So, yay! I get a vacation AND a new toy!

Now... going to put my clothes in the dryer and then try to get some restful sleep in which I don't have any horrible awful dreams.
[info]yankdotorg
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And on schedule the new “Internet Leaks” song and music video has been made public on Al’s MySpace:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Very catchy.

naamah_darling
[info]naamah_darling
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Went and gave blood to the hospital elves so they can see if my adjusted-dose thyroid meds are doing me any good. It was a more painful draw than usual because my veins are so small and because I had just gotten up and was dehydrated. Still, I love that particular lab. I have only once had a bad draw there. They are the most gentle, careful people, and they listen to me when I tell them that I have tiny veins that roll. See? I don't hate all medical professionals! I love my phlebotomists!

Tomorrow I see my therapist again for the first time in a long time. I'm glad about that, really glad, but the time away has given me time to think. I think I'm going to use the opportuntiy to reevaluate our goals and talk about what I can do to deal with this newest raft of crap.

Wednesday is the appointment with the new GYN. I am looking forward to this about as much as you would expect, which is to say not even a tiny little bit. Especially since the problem I'm going in for has stopped. Thing is, I know it will come back. Once it starts this shit, it tends to just get worse and worse until I do something to shut it up. There's no point in putting it off and trying to catch it in the act. On the other hand, the fact that it's not bleeding inappropriately right now means I don't need immediate help, so if something rubs me wrong I can walk out of there with no qualms whatsoever.

The weekend was tiring and aside from a visit from friends, sort of unpleasant. Allergies have me feeling like crap, and there was some really unpleasant upfuckery in one of my internet hangouts. I shouldn't let it get to me offline, I know, but it came on the heels of some really upsetting internal monologue stuff I've been dealing with, and it just sort of filled up the suck bucket in one fell swoop.

I know I'm not worthless or some sort of monster, but it really hurts to know that there are people out there who think that about other sick people, and very likely would think so about me if I weren't so comparatively functional and self-controlled. It bothers me that there are people whose distrust of anything not "normal" is more important to them than having sympathy for a human being who did not choose their lot in life.

I think that's about all I've got for now. I'm going to go see about finishing up a commission and mybe doing some prep work for some new boxes. I don't know. I've hit the point where, even though I don't want to do anything, I'm emotionally sound enough to want to want to do something, and the only cure for that I know is to tie up loose ends and do whatever seems like a good time.

Hope your weekend was okay. I will be back with, yes, another lycanthropy/bipolar/mental illness post, hopefully tonght, but maybe not until Thursday. I'm trying to post Real Stuff more often, really I am.

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[info]wilwheaton
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There are two ways that I can commemorate Patrick Stewart's birthday, today. The first:


And the second, which comes in two parts. The first part should illustrate how awesome Patrick is, and why I like him so much. The second part should remove any lingering doubt.

This is from Chapter Seven of Just A Geek, which is titled A Sort of Homecoming. It recalls a convention appearance I did with Patrick, Jonathan and Brent in 2001. Wow, 2001 ... was I really just 29 when I wrote this? I guess I was.

A deep, commanding voice bounced off the marble floor of the hallway, and filled the room before its creator crossed the threshold.

“Are there Star Trek people in this room?” it boomed, “I just love those Star Trek people!”

We all turned to the door, as Patrick Stewart walked in.

Patrick is one of the most disarming people I've ever met. If you only know him as Captain Picard, or Professor Xavier, his mirthful exuberance is shocking. Patrick is one of the most professional and talented actors I've ever known, but he's also one of the most fun.

“Bob Goulet? I haven't seen you in ages, man! You look great!” he said to Brent, and hugged him.

“Jonathan Frakes! I am a big fan,” he smiled at Jonny and hugged him to.

He turned to me. “Who are you? You look familiar, but . . . I can't place you.”

“Wil Wheaton, Mr. Stewart,” I said.

He looked thoughtful for a moment and shook his head. “I'm sorry, but it doesn't ring a bell.”

“I was Wesley on Next Generation,” I said.

“Get out! You were never that young!” he said.

“Oh, but I was, sir,” I replied, solemnly, “I believe we spent some time in a shuttlecraft together.”

He nodded slowly, but remained unconvinced. “Go on . . .”

“That's all I've got, man,” I laughed.

“Wil, darling, you look wonderful.” he said with a huge smile. He held his arms wide, and pulled me into a warm embrace. “I am so happy to see you!”

He held me at arm's length, and looked at me. Even though Patrick and I are the same height, I felt, like always, that he towered above me.

“You too,” I said. 


*******

This is also from Chapter 7 of Just a Geek. This excerpt picks up right as I’m about to wrap shooting on Nemesis.

The day is a blurred composite of images, and no matter how hard I try, I can't get my brain to separate them into individual memories. All I can clearly recall is how I spent the day spiraling around the Yin and Yang of joy and sorrow, until the director called cut on the final take.

"Thank you, everyone!" The First AD called out, "That is a company wrap for today, and picture wrap for Wil Wheaton!"

There was some polite applause from the crew, who really didn't know me, and some very genuine applause from Patrick and Gates, the only cast members who were still on the stage. They walked over, and embraced me. We knew that this was the real Journey's End for me and Wesley Crusher, but we didn't talk about it.

"I'm going to walk back," Patrick said to me. "Would you like to walk together?"

"I'd like that a lot," I said.

It was late, but not nearly as late as it had been the night before, and it was very cold as we walked through the "New York Street" area of the back lot.

"Remember when they built this for Bronx Zoo?" I said. "I used to come over here and pretend it was real."

Patrick slowed, then stopped. A huge arclight towered over us. Apple boxes and cables ran into the facade of a deli, and someone had left a styrofoam cup half-filled with coffee on the window ledge.

"When I first came here to audition for Next Generation," he said, "I didn't know if I'd ever get a chance to be on a backlot again, so I left the casting office, and spent nearly an hour's time walking round here."

He began to walk again.

"That's so weird," I said. "I mean . . . here you are, fifteen years later."

He smiled. "I know. I remember worrying that the security department would catch me, and I'd end up in a great deal of trouble!"

We laughed together.

"I've lost count of the number of times I had run-ins with the security department." I said. "Most of them involved dangerously speeding around the lot in a 'borrowed' golf cart, or playing music too loudly in my dressing room.

"I wish I'd been able to hang out with you guys when we were doing this every day," I said.

"Oh, my dear, you missed out on a great deal of fun!" His voice became excited. "The late Friday nights when we'd close down Nickodell's [A restaurant that used to be on Melrose, with a backdoor that opened right onto the Paramount lot. It was bulldozed for "progress" in the 1990s] were great!"

"Can I tell you something?" I said.

"Of course," he said.

"I really blew it when I was here before. I should have treasured the experience that I had working with you guys, and I didn't. I'm really sorry that I was such a dick when I was a teenager."

He stopped again, and put his hand on my shoulder. "Wil, my dear, you were a teenager. We all understood."

"Really?"

"Yes. And when we worked together, I always related to you as an actor, first, and you were a lovely actor. You know, I wasn't thrilled about working with a child, but working with you was a great pleasure."

What do you say to that? How do you respond, when it comes from the man who was, for all intents and purposes, a father figure, mentor, role model, and hero? If you're me, you say, "I'm so sad that this is over for me."

"So am I," he said we began to walk again. As we turned the corner and neared stages 8 and 9, I saw someone come out of the stage.

"Hey! That's Brad Yacobian!" I said.

"It is!" Patrick said. "Hello! Brad!"

Brad started as a First AD on Next Generation, and has worked on all the incarnations of Star Trek since then. He was working as the co-producer and unit production manager on Enterprise.

"Hey you guys," he said. "Are you just wrapping?"

"Oh yes. It's Thursday, you know." Patrick said. Brad smiled a knowing smile, and I laughed. See, production usually starts out with early calls on Monday, but the Screen Actor's Guild requires a 12 hour break for the actors between their release, and the next day's call time. So if we start at 8, but don't wrap until 10, we won't start until 10 the next day, and so on. This doesn't happen very often, because it's very expensive for the studios, and if a show isn't starting until the afternoon on Thursday, it usually means that the director is incompetent, the schedule is very complicated, or a little of both.

"Director or schedule?" Brad said.

"Schedule," Patrick said. He pronounced it with a soft "ch" sound, like "shelf." I suppressed a giggle.

"Who's working tonight?" I asked, hoping the answer would be "Jolene Blalock, and she wants to see you without your pants in her trailer right now."

Brad looked at his call sheet. "I think Scott is still here --"

"Is he in his trailer?" Patrick asked.

"Yeah. You want to say hello?" Brad said.

Oh my god. I'm going to stand with Patrick while he talks to Scott Bakula!

"I'd like to, yes."

Brad walked us to Scott's trailer. It was in the same place where Patrick's trailer was so many years ago.

That's a little weird.

He rapped twice on the door, and from behind it, a muffled voice emerged. "Yeah?"

"Scott, it's Brad. I have someone here who wants to say 'hello.'"

I thought back to all the times I heard this when I was on the other side of that door, and felt a little uncomfortable. The door opened, and there was Scott Bakula, in that cool Enterprise jumpsuit.

"Hey, Patrick! How are you?" He said.

Oh . . . they know each other. Interesting.

"I'm well," he said. "Scott, this is Wil Wheaton, he plays Wesley Crusher."

Plays Wesley, not played Wesley. That was cool.

He extended his hand and I shook it.

"It's really nice to meet you," I said. "How are you guys doing?"

"It's Thursday night," he said with a tired grin.

"Some things never change, I guess, " I said.

We all laughed.

"Listen, Scott," Patrick said. "I've been on and off the lot for several weeks now, and I should have come over much sooner to say hello to you."

"Thank you," Scott said. "I've seen you pass by several times, but I've always been too busy to say hello myself."

They talked for several minutes about the things that you talk about, I guess, when you're the captain of the Enterprise. I remember Patrick said, "You're doing a wonderful job," and I realized that he was having the conversation with Scott that Shatner should have had with him in 1987; he was passing the torch to -- well, to the next generation.

I looked at Brad, and before either one of us could say anything, his walkie said, "We're ready for First Team on the bridge." How many times had I stood in this exact spot, and heard those exact words, over the years?

"Gotta go to work," he said. "I'm so glad you stopped by. I'll come over and visit you . . . are you on 16?"

"Shortly," Patrick said. "We're on 29 until tomorrow, then location."

Scott shook my hand. "It was nice to meet you."

"You too."

"Have a good night, you guys," Brad said, as they walked into the stage. He keyed his walkie and said, "I have Scott, and we're walking . . . "

I turned to Patrick. "That was very cool, man."

Patrick just nodded.

We arrived back at the dressing rooms. My trailer was farther away than his, so I said, "I guess this is goodbye."

"Not goodbye," he said. "Farewell."

Happy Birthday, Old Baldy. I miss you.


[info]wilwheaton
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Hey, remember when I posted stuff in my blog every day and we all had a good time while learning? It's a distant memory, but if you squint, you may be able to pick it up.

Anyway. It's summer, I've been working on awesome projects that I can't talk about, finishing up awesome projects that I've talked about a lot already (Memories of the Future, special edition of Happiest Days, etc.), and since Ryan came home from school and I have my whole family together under one roof again, I'm not especially motivated to stay at my computer after I'm done working, you know?

To close some tabs, though, please enjoy these things that are all related:

Indie Kindle Author lands book deal

Author Boyd Morrison sold two books, the first one called The Ark, to Simon & Schuster. Boyd uploaded and sold the books himself and raised awareness for his novels by being a member of Kindle Boards and generally self-promoting.

He will be published in hardcover in 2010 and is working on his next book featuring swashbuckling adventurer Tyler Locke.

Kick ass, Boyd Morrison! I hope your experience in traditional publishing is better than mine was, and I hope you'll keep your fellow authors informed about your experience.

Author Michael Stackpole: "I don't worry about pirates."

Bestselling novelist Michael Stackpole says he's making great money selling fiction directly off his site; he doesn't worry about pirates, "People downloading my stories from the big torrent sites were never going to buy them anyway. It's no money out of my pocket."

I have a similar philosophy, and I consider myself tremendously lucky to have the kind of relationship with my customers that I do.

Sunken Treasure has gotten some incredible reviews at Lulu:

I hadn't read any of Wil's books, and "Sunken Treasure" seemed like a good place to sample his writing. My favorite chapters were those about his childhood - the bad Star Wars trade, the arcade games, auditions. There's something about the way he captures the true sense of those times and weaves in pop cultural references so naturally. In those chapters, I forgot I was reading and was totally drawn into the storytelling. It felt like being there. I also liked the chapter which was an on-set diary about a recent acting job - a very open and engaging account of how it happens and what it's like.

Wil's writing is very honest, clever, vulnerable, raw, and unprocessed. He's not afraid to show his doubts or fears, and he's not embarrassed to share his highs. It makes him very real and very likeable. After reading this sampler, I wanted to know more about him.

Finally, I simply appreciate the fact that this is an independently published work. I think a lot of people shy away from self-published books because they're concerned about unchecked quality. The writing here is terrific and there is a feel of integrity and control in presenting it.


So...yeah, that's pretty awesome. I love it that so many readers enjoy Sunken Treasure, and the biggest complaint is that it leaves people wanting to read more (kind of the idea, but don't tell anyone I said that, okay?)

This morning, Twitter user @KenMcConnell said: "Wil (@wilw) Wheaton's Sunken Treasure used on Scribd page for ad copy. Cool for him! http://bit.ly/19Y18W" I grabbed a screenshot, because it's one of those things I kind of want to remember when I'm in the adult diapers stage of my life. If I haven't kicked the everlivingshit out of this dead horse, allow me to take a few more whacks (slow, then fast): publishing with Lulu has been a fantastic experience for me. It's easy, the quality of the final product is fantastic, and it frees me up to do the creative stuff I couldn't do when I was fulfilling orders in my living room with the occasional help from my friends and family. If you're considering publishing, I suggest you give Lulu serious consideration.

When I was in Portland, working on Leverage, I spent all of my non-acting time writing stories. When I wasn't writing, I hung out with John Rogers and talked about writing stories. I'm not sure if I grew a level, but definitely gained a whole lot of XP: I wrote a short story that I love (to be released in the near future after I give it a second draft and Andrew applies the Red Pen of Doom) and began work on another that shows at least some promise.

Ryan just wandered out of his room and sat down next to me on the couch with his laptop.

"Dude, you have to see this!" He said, pointing to something on the screen.

"Who is this is?" I said, glancing up from my own laptop.

"Check it out!" He clicked the mouse and flipped the screen toward me. This is what he showed me.

"Dude..." I shook my head.

He giggled. "I totally got you."

"You totally did."

It's really great to have him home.




sk4p
[info]sk4p
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Senator Al Franken is speaking at Judge Sotomayor's confirmation hearings and he is schooling the Senate on "judicial activism". He is pointing out how, in recent years, Rehnquist and other conservative justices voted to overturn federal laws made by Congress -- you know, the all-important democratically-elected legislature which must be obeyed by these damn judges -- more than their liberal colleagues. Nearly twice as much.

I wish I were a Minnesotan just so I could have voted for him.
huskyteer
[info]huskyteer
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Read more... )

Current Mood: stressed
Current Music: Pink Floyd - Your Possible Pasts | Powered by Last.fm

kaylum
[info]kaylum
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I recently took my “4 of 2” book to Office Max for scanning, and since I’m still not terribly adept at working with image files, I have a couple of issues/questions:

1.The whole book is saved as a series of pictures in a single file in adobe format, which is great for scrolling through the book, but doesn’t allow me to post any of it in livejournal or facebook (as far as I can tell). I will hopefully have my own website someday for my work, but for now I’d like to post it (or at least parts of it) for my friends to see (the ones who haven’t already, hehe). I’m assuming this will involve saving it in .mpg or .jpg format, but I have no clue how to do so…any ideas?

2.To add the typed lyrics to the book where I wanted them, I used the very primitive method of gluing them onto the pictures – with rubber cement. Of course this was extremely foolish since over time the rubber cement darkened and is now very visible in spots, so dark in some places that it makes the text impossible to read. I need to find a way to clean up these areas on the images and replace them with clean type, which should be pretty easy in a file, but again I have no idea how.

Any advice on either of these things would be greatly, greatly appreciated!

Love,

“Kay”

Current Mood: busy
Current Music: Jerry Reed - "East Bound and Down"

chefjenny
[info]chefjenny
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Sunday – Phil and I stood on the balcony, greeting the morning sun. Phil admitted to me with a wry smile that he had been looking to spot fish – I haughtily told him that there's no fish near the surface in the middle of the ocean. As if to lay plain my hubris, God sent out a little “Oh you think you're SO smart, eh?” and as we were gazing across the ocean to the endless horizon, a small creature comes skipping across the waves before diving beneath the water. Amazed, we watched it happen again and again. At first I thought they must be birds, skimming the ocean to dive for fish, but after a moment Phil exclaimed with delight “They're flying fish! Look at them!” I had to concede it could be true, although I promised myself I'd google flying fish when we got home just to be sure. They were amazing – flying fish don't just jump, they really do leap out of the water and glide for feet before shooting back into the water seamlessly, like an olympic diver – no splash. I don't know if it's a trick of the early morning light off the water, but they seemed to flutter as they flew, giving the illusion of being birds – but birds that close to the ocean wouldn't be flapping their wings, they'd be gliding too. Amazing. (9:14 am)

 

I had worried that the day would be dull. Although the cruise director tried to label this a “fun day at sea,” I thought that that could just be some serious propaganda to gloss over the day's worth of travel time to Cozumel. Once again, I was wrong (maybe this will be a trip of being constantly, enjoyably wrong). We had breakfast delivered, and ate it out on the sundeck in the glorious sunshine. Phil noted the ocean was a color of blue he'd never seen before in nature. To me, it appears a combination of cobalt and cerulean. I just read through an ad for the on-board jewelers, who are trying to sell tanzanite that appears to have the same color. Although I am not a jewelry person, perhaps I will have a look in person to see if it's actually the same color, or if the ad just contained traces of photoshop.

 

I tried to keep reasonably active today. We started in the pool after our somewhat light breakfast. It's more of a dunking pool than one meant for swimming around in, but Phil joined me which lent all the delight I could ask for. I adore the water, having grown up in California and Arizona where pools are a mandatory part of life. We sunned briefly; of course I forgot to put on sunscreen, but I came out okay. Phil got a little red in the evening – we both swore to put on the sunscreen tomorrow. In order to “earn” our lunch, I convinced Phil to join me in the gym. Now I know that to earn the kind of food they serve around here, I'd need a couple hours in the gym. However, I think the half hour we spent there still did us some good. We unfortunately followed up that good with huge platters of mexican food, but hopefully we at least broke even by keeping on the move. It's at this point I must take back my disappointment of yesterday towards the food. Now that we've figured out the layout of the dining selections, it's clear to me we had just chosen poorly. Sure, there's a hotdog/burger grill, and a bland sort of buffet, but it's not hard to find good food on the ship. We made the mistake of eating the first things we came across, which unfortunately for us were the least exciting cuisine here. The food still isn't spectacular on a level with a Vegas buffet or the two fantastic but expensive buffets we frequent back home, but certainly my complaint has been vastly lessened. After lunch, we wandered about the decks aimlessly, catching parts of shows, perusing the shops yet again, managing to fill our time quite nicely until dinner.


 


 

 

That evening we had reservations for the Emerald Room, their uber-fancy-dress-fancy-dinner place. Charmingly enough, despite the sophisticated food and the amount of liquor I consumed (a lot), I've still spent more at a cheesecake factory than I did at that dinner. I even bought a relatively expensive bottle of wine, and Phil chose to overtip significantly given all the attention we received. I had my first dinner where there was an actual sommelier around! Phil and I giggled our way through most of it; I think we both felt like little kids playing pretend to being grown up. The array of silver was bewildering, and the idea of pairing drinks with certain courses was probably beyond our scope of experience. In retrospect, I probably could have skipped opening with that gin martini – it was all sort of alcoholically downhill from there.

 

Phil got to try beef carpaccio for the first time, a dish I knew would be right up his alley. He's always trying to steal meat to eat before I've cooked it, an act which usually grosses me out, but here was a plate of thinly shaved raw beef that gave permission to his urges. He took one bite, held up his hand for a moment of silence, and then informed me his tongue just had an orgasm. My own plates were delicious also; a four course meal that lasted until sunset. It was a gorgeous experience.

 

Of course, I got way drunker than I would have liked. Not quite sick drunk, but getting fairly close. The food was so rich, I was gulping down the wine. And the desserts! The menu listings were fairly nondescript, a fact I realized only after they brought the plates. The descriptions were something like “citrus cheesecake with hazelnut biscotti,” but what they served were works of art. The presentation for all the courses was impeccable.

 

I passed out as soon as I could slip out of my clothes in the hotel room, and awoke at 3am to moonlight out on the deck. I confess, one of the guilty pleasures of this trip has been some wanton nudity. Both Phil and I sat on the deck in the moonlight, wearing little else but moonlight, enjoying the warmth and the sound of the waves. I was having trouble sleeping, so here I am at 4am, feeling the swaying of the ship with a sharpness that seems to indicate my equilibrium is still affected by drink. We should be docking in Cozumel at 10am, at which point Phil and I have tickets to go touring the mayan ruins of ultramar. If the trip so far is any indication, I expect tomorrow's journal to be full as well.

 

Current Mood: amused

chefjenny
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Saturday – We boarded the ship effortlessly – should I ever cruise again, I will always choose this VIP upgrade. Our room was immaculate; I had imagined something more spacious, which was perhaps unreasonable of me, but it has plenty of room all the same. The view is beautiful, although the deck is tiny. Still, being able to open the curtains to a wall of sunlight streaming in has proven marvelous.

 

The hot tub in the room is little more than a very small tub with jets. I tried it out anyway, and it's a little absurd. I'm so packed in the tub, that mostly the jets beat upon my thighs at uncomfortably close range. Still, there are hot tubs on deck nine that are far more spacious, even if they are publicly shared.

 

Phil cracked me up – he had to go push every button in the room (ok, so did I, but I was satisfied once I figured out which ones were the lightswitches). He kept finding new buttons, pushing it, not seeing an immediate result, and then flipping it on and off a few times while asking “What's this one do?” It must be a guy thing.

 

The bed is soft, and there is plenty of space to put away all our things. We wandered the decks in the evening, just figuring out where everything is. We did a little shopping – some for things we needed, like sunscreen, but also for make-up and a new dress for myself. Phil eyeballed the men's button-up shirts, but decided to come back later if he decided he needed it. The live music in the main lobby is nice – I must drag Phil there and make him dance with me at least once.

 

Oh, there's a mini-golf course on the very top deck. It's only nine very short holes, but still entertaining. We played through most of it before we had to participate in the evacuation safety drill. We'll probably go again.

 

The food is … well, to be honest, it's rather un-amazing. But I kind of appreciate that – maybe for once I'll spend some time not focused on food, but actually enjoying all the rest of the things my body and mind can do. I look forward to our “Fun day at sea” tomorrow. There are some shows that look like fun, some swimming to be done, and I want to check out the gym.

 

Current Mood: busy

sk4p
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I was doing great. The dreams had gone away. Thing of the past. Months, in fact.

Then last night I not only dreamt about her but dreamt she was all better and we got back together.

Son of a bitch.
achanchinou
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I hurt. I feel like I'm being taken for granted, work things that were laid out not quite as a promise but a "this is what were planning" appear to be empty lies on someones part. My feet, ankles, back and legs pretty much constantly hurt these days all of a sudden. Hat parts weird because for about two months I was fine, no real issues no pain most of the time and no problem but somewhere in the last month that changed and now I'm just straight up in agony all the time again.

I could probably handle the pain it's not like it used to be but it requires rest and I don't get nearly enough of that to compensate. I get home and there's still a million things to do and then I sleep like shit and it starts all over the next day.

I feel like I'm on the verge of a total breakdown.

Psycho day.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

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limpingpigeon
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Managed to get some sleep. Still worn out, but much less doom and gloom this morning.

So, y'know, sorry to anyone I bothered last night.

I'm going to think positive and assume I only have to drag myself through Wednesday.

Off to work with me now.
chrismaverick
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7-12-09
Originally uploaded by chrismaverick.
I originally intended to rant this here, and reference it on my [info]365mav project. But as I was typing there, I ended up pretty much doing the entire rant. But it really belongs in my blog here. And thus the crosspost.

Welcome to Sexual Biology 101. I'm your instructor, Professor Maverick.

So ever since I decided to open Maverick's School for Wayward Girls, I've been meaning to work on exactly what curriculum I would teach there. I'd been too busy to work on it though.

Anyway, this weekend, my friend Amaya started tweeting her only little vagina monologue. I found it funny, and told Steph about it. This started Steph talking about one of her big pet peeves. Namely that people use the term "vagina" to refer to the entirety of the female genitalia as opposed to referring to the labia, clitoris, etc. by their separate and unique names.

I countered that the same is done with the penis. She claimed it was different, but I maintain that while perhaps not medically accurate, if I am referring to my penis, I generally intend for that to cover the inclusion of my testicles and scrotum as well.

But she's right. It's medically incorrect. But I'm not a medical doctor. I'm a doctor of pimpology, and I believe that generalized sexual terms are necessary.

I proposed to Steph that while the medical terms might be more specific, certainly colloquial slang is more generalized. As such, I argued that the term "pussy" for instance might be more inclusive.

I actually expected her to counter that pussy was equivalent to vagina, but she surprised me arguing that pussy meant the external naughty bits. The labia and clitoris.

I argue that this can't be. In the name of scientific study, take the following colloquial exclamation that might be uttered by one experimental female subject:

"Fuck my tight pussy with your rock hard cock, you son of a bitch!"

I'd argue that the woman speaking that phrase isn't looking for a penis to be rammed into her labia, or even the clitoris, but is looking for deeper penetration along the vaginal canal. Conversely, if the subject had proclaimed:

"Lick that pussy until I cum, you filthy bastard!"

I'd argue that she is referencing her external genitalia and not in fact asking for that same vaginal canal to be massaged orally.

Along the same token, while I believe that a male subject might generally be referencing the shaft and glans of penis, as in the following pejorative:

"Take that cock deep inside of you, you dirty whore!"

I'd argue that in some cases he might be referring to a larger portion of his anatomy for instance if he were to offer the following instruction to his mate:

"Squeeze and lick that cock all over, you gorgeous and yet intelligent and capable woman!"

One might assume he is asking for attention to also be paid to the scrotum and perhaps perineum as well.

Obviously, we can't simply resort to clinical definition during reproductive intercourse. Imagine the phrase:

"Ejaculate your seminal fluid into my ectocervix, you virile male gendered homosapien. My portio vaginalis hungers for your spermatozoa."

Our species would be extinct within a generation.

So what I'm wondering is how do other people use the terms. Do you expect vagina, penis, pussy, cock, dick, cunt, manroot, lady business, peepee and hoohoo to be medical specifics or more generalized areas. Does it vary from slang term to slang term?

And most importantly, was anyone actually turned on by my clinical dirty talk?
r_transpose_p
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I have several questions I'd like to ask the PL people out there (and really, anyone else who feels like giving their own answers, as I'm mostly soliciting opinions, scenarios and what-ifs rather than "facts"). I am posting them here because I would like to see some degree of lively debate. Anyway, here goes:


  1. Given how much the "standard programming languages we use" have changed over the years, and that many of the industry standard scripting languages today were based on research languages like Self, Smalltalk, Lisp, etc., what present-day research languages and features of present-day research languages do you see inspiring the industry-standard languages of tomorrow?

  2. Of the standard "functional favorites" (Haskell, SML, OCaml), which do you see used the most often for industrial CS applications? (I mean, come on, I know there is a small minority of people who do this) Which would you like to see used for industrial CS applications and why? Are some better suited and/or more widely used for web / mobile / other application domain?

  3. JCreed once had a post about the things he'd learned in programming that seemed silly at first and later turned out to be of fundamental importance. The list begin with things like "commenting your code" and "strong type systems" and ended with pieces of mathematical logic I'd never heard of and didn't understand. Of the things PL people deal with that I don't yet know or understand, which do you think are the most important/fundamental/general/practical? i.e., if I had a choice, which should I learn first?



Thanks.

P.S. This was all inspired by learning JavaScript...
...I shit you not.
captainblack
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violachic
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I always like to show off my new icons.

Props to [info]bammba_m for letting me steal it.


Yay!
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Alycia Brashear
Name: Alycia Brashear
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